The Emotional Roller Coaster of COVID-19: A personal story about navigating emotions.

awakening reflection (blog post) Apr 11, 2020

At the time of writing this blog, we are in week 3 of the COVID-19 lockdown in the U.K. and I'm well aware that virtually everyone in the world is being affected by it in some way. Some directly, others more indirectly, and I am feeling love and compassion for the circumstances of everyone.

However, if I’m being totally honest, the lockdown situation has (so far) hardly affected my own day-to-day living. I was already retired and working from home and had adjusted to being there full-time with my husband. I had my garden project all organised before lockdown, so I have had plenty to do outdoors when the weather is fine, and I'm not short of things to keep me occupied when I'm indoors. We have an abundance (but not excess) of food and essentials, and we are maintaining contact with family and friends online. Even my yoga class has moved online. So life has not been hugely disrupted, and obviously far less than many.


My guidance has told me that this transition time (for me), is an 'ebb time' and a time to explore ‘being’, so I've spent time exploring that. I’ve turned to have an inner focus and I've been journaling and meditating a lot. I’ve been resting and allowing myself not to be in resistance to being in ‘ebb’. So all in all, I’ve been coping pretty well and feeling very blessed for being so.


I am very well aware that others are having a much more difficult journey through this... BUT I have not been impervious to the powerful energies around me and I have had a few things coming up to be seen and released.


In this blog, I would like to share with you what happened yesterday, when I awoke with a huge fear and anxiety in the pit of my stomach, and how I navigated through it.

I recognised that this anxiety was undoubtedly due to me having to drive to my mum’s house that afternoon, to take her some essential items she hadn’t been able to get in her supermarket delivery. She’s 85 and in a very vulnerable category and has been self isolating, so I hadn’t been to see her in 3 weeks. We’d just been speaking most days on Zoom. In fact, I hadn’t driven anywhere in 3 weeks. I’ve just been staying at home. So I knew the anxiety I felt must be about leaving the house and I gave it some room to reveal what it was showing me. Something was obviously coming up to be healed. Sitting with it and allowing it to be, feeling into this discomfort and anxiety, I was able to identify and process it.

It was a fear of shifting sands and not knowing where my safety lay.

You'd think the worry would be about the virus, wouldn't you? But for me, that wasn't the case. The virus itself hasn't been particularly worrying me, as I knew that if I washed my hands at key times and followed certain procedures then I could isolate myself and minimise any potential exposure.


So it wasn't that.


However, a lot of the talk on social media over the past few days has been about police interpreting the lockdown guidelines in sometimes rather heavy-handed ways. For example, some had been stopping people from buying ‘non essentials’, or telling people that they are not allowed to play in their front garden, none of which were threatening anyone else's health, nor are true under law in the U.K. at this time.

This is what had been 'triggering' me. I had found my mind constantly going to this topic and how I would react if I was stopped by police; what my ‘arguments’ would be. Constantly justifying to myself how what I was doing was neither unsafe, nor illegal.


This is classic ‘fight or flight’ behaviour, with the mind working overtime, trying to work out ways to protect me from what it saw as potentially threatening situations. I knew intellectually that I had legitimate reasons for travel that day and that the chances of me being stopped on this short journey were negligible. I had to explore further what my mind was trying to protect me from.


After some card readings, some mediation and a chat with Roslyn (my daughter), who gave me some insights, I finally realised this situation was triggering a childhood fear of knowing where my safety lay in 'following the rules'.

As a child, I was brought up to be a “good girl” and learned that if I stayed within the rules I’d be safe. If I didn’t obey the rules then I’d be punished. However, if the rules are constantly shifting and changing, and could come down to an arbitrary decision by individual police on any specific occasion, then in this current situation I felt I was on shifting sands for my safety. I couldn’t be 'safe' if I didn’t know what the rules were.


These days, I now know that my sense of safety lies within me and is not dependent on a fear of external situations controlling me. I am sovereign within myself and I can choose between fear and love. But this rising fear was showing me that a part of me was stuck in a childhood reality where this was not the case and this unconscious part of me was bringing up this fear and shaking me.


I spent some time meditating and taking this within, to my Heart Space Room, where I could comfort that frightened inner child and bring her into the light. I discovered that this part of me was a child stuck in a situation where they had formed the false belief that their safety lay in 'following the rules'. Back then, someone close to me had constantly gaslighted me, and changed the goalposts, making me unsure of where my safety lay.


It took the whole morning and into early afternoon to explore and process through these emotions and release them and reintegrate this part of myself. The spiral down into the vibrational energy of the field of mass conscious fear and anxiety was pretty powerful. The emotions were very uncomfortable and it would have been much easier to numb out and try to not look at them. However, I stuck with it and gave it room.
Eventually I felt the wave of tears come up, that indicates I've isolated it, and my husband held me while I cried it all out and released that old fear and false belief. Later that afternoon. I managed to drive up to and back from my mum’s without incident and feeling calm again.

I wanted to share this with you because everyone, no matter who they are, no matter how far down their awakening path they are, still have ‘stuff’ they need to process. This current pandemic situation is scary and frightening and is triggering people in so many different ways. This is what it has been designed to do, of course, but that's another story.


However, this situation did highlight for me a way I could help others.... and that is to share the Heart Space Room meditation.

Emotions are part of our guidance system and when your emotions are on a roller coaster journey like this, it can be helpful to have tools to help process through them.

So I created this mini course: The Heart Space Room: A Journey in Inner Healing. 

This is '5 video plus meditation' mini course that introduces you to the Heart Space Room, which has been one of the key tools I have used in my own journey of expansion and consciousness raising.

In this mini course you are introduced to how it works, given examples of it in action, shown how to set up your own Heart Space Room and then taken through the visualisation. Click on the picture or the link above to find out more. 

I have priced it at an exceptionally low cost to make it accessible to all. 



Spiritual Awakening Support is here to help you on your awakening journey at whatever stage. Here are two free offerings that can help support you on your journey:

Read our EPIC blog post about 7 Stages of the Awakening Journey which outlines these 7 stages and has links to a huge variety of the resources we offer.

We would also draw your attention to our free workbook and video series called 10 Self Care Practices for Your Awakening Journey. Find out more by clicking here.